You are viewing the community [info]acoa

Adult Children of Alcoholics - ACOA's Journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Thursday, May 10th, 2012
6:40 pm - Transformation.

prtbleobserver 		There is a fear revolving around the idea that children will inescapably morph into their parents. We invest so much energy in trying to avoid mimicking our mother's scrutiny and our father's bodily functions, praying that we opt out of the parenting experience that we had when we were kids. But for children of alcoholics, the fear is far more specific and deep-rooted.

( just to be safe - cut for length )

(3 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, April 28th, 2012
10:57 am - Boundaries: Inspiration and practical guidance

acacosponsor 		For inspiration, here are seed questions to get you thinking about the ninth promise "Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set." Here are all seed question entries.

For strategies you can use in your day-to-day life, I wrote about the 3-Part Deflecting & Redirecting Answer to uncomfortable questions.

Please share your experience, strength and hope here or on the [info]acacosponsor  LJ.


(comment on this)

Monday, February 13th, 2012
12:58 pm - Taking it on the road - the Adult Child workshop is happening!

amy_eden 		Hi guys,

I wanted to share that Judy Klipin invited me to co-facilitate an Adult Child workshop with her next month -- focused on life skills. A dream come true! I'm excited! I wanted to share that with you all, especially if you'll be in the greater D.C. area on March 24-25th.

What I'm most looking forward to is being in the company of other sensitive, resilient people who are becoming happy adults after managing to survive a traumatic childhood.

Judy and I are both adult children of alcoholics - she's from Johannesburg, South Africa and I'm from Northern California (and Minnesota).

Check it out!

Here are all the details: http://guesswhatnormalis.com/?p=1287

Thanks! :-) amy

(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, November 24th, 2011
8:38 am - Giving Thanks: Seed Questions

acacosponsor 		If you're celebrating Thanksgiving, or just want to think a bit about how gratitude fits into your life and recovery, here are some seed questions about the pros and cons of gratitude.

(comment on this)

Thursday, October 20th, 2011
3:04 pm - Unemployment: I can change the rules

apel 		Back in 2003 I was unemployed for most of the year. I was living off my savings and doing everything I could to get a job, but I was still feeling guilty. In an entry on my LJ, I used the daily affirmation for that day to investigate the family rules around work, pleasure and relaxation.

If you're unemployed or have dealt with similar issues, please share your experience, strength and hope here or over in my LJ. 

(comment on this)

Saturday, October 15th, 2011
8:39 pm - What to expect when attending your first meeting

apel 		[info]launch_pad made me co-maintainer of [info]acoa and I dusted off the community profile and added some information.

While doing that I came across an old entry about what to expect when attending your first ACA or ACOA meeting. It's all still true, so I thought I'd post a link to it again.

What has changed since 2002 when I wrote that entry, is that we got our own Big Book. It was published in 2006 and since then ACA has grown by leaps and bounds. There are new meetings springing up all over the place. In my own community we had managed to maintain 2 weekly meetings up until 2008. Attendance was very low -- often just the same 2-3 people. But now we have 9 weekly meetings, including 4 cosponsor meetings.

The same is happening in lots of other places. Atlanta has 6 meetings, Kansas City has 2, Boston has 11, Las Vegas 8 and so on. The same applies internationally. Stockholm in Sweden for example has 10 meetings per week. That's more than one every day.

If you couldn't find any local meetings a couple of years ago, it may be worth checking again.

(4 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, October 9th, 2011
10:02 pm - Old Readings

acacosponsor 		Some of the local ACA meetings are pretty old, 15-20 years. They have readings that aren't read in meetings that were started more recently. I've posted some of them in the ACA Cosponsor LJ. 

ACA Bill of Rights
ACA Identity
ACA Goals
Three Obstacles to Success in ACA

I have nicely formatted PDF and MS Word files of these. Comment if you'd like me to send them to you. 

Update: Fixed the first link.

(comment on this)

Friday, August 5th, 2011
5:51 pm - Step study meetings starting

acacosponsor 		Two new step study meetings are starting in Palo Alto, California. If you're local and want to work the ACA steps, this is a great chance. Comment in my LJ and I'll put you in touch with the meeting leaders. 

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 13th, 2011
3:54 pm - Promises 7 & 8

acacosponsor 		 I've posted seed questions for thinking about the ACA promises 7 and 8 on my LJ.

7. We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives.

8. We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves.
Comments are welcome! 

(2 comments | comment on this)

Monday, June 27th, 2011
11:03 pm

smileycrayons 		Hi, I'm 20 years old and still live with my alcoholic mother. I've decided that I want to start going to meetings in my area, but I'm not sure which I should go to: ACoA, or Al-anon? I don't really understand the difference so I was wondering if anyone has information/experience with those and could help me decide which meetings to go to. Thank you!

(7 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, June 18th, 2011
1:01 am

labelleizzy 		I am not responsible for anyone's happiness but mine, though I'll facilitate for others if I can.

I am not responsible for anyone's healing but mine...

I am not responsible for anyone's epiphany but mine, nor anyone's relationship with Deity but mine with God as I understand Them.

I am not responsible for anyone's expectations about how life, or an event, or my actions or reactions to words or situations, "should be". Their expectations are THEIRS and I will not carry them.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink; THIS horse (I.e., Me) is going to drink the water she can hold for now, then go graze and switch flies. This horse might go for a run or roll on the grass or snitch an apple just because it would be fun.

And no other horse snorting their disapproval or claiming they are disappointed by my actions will make me stop having fun. Or drinking water when it's time to drink water. They can join me in the play, or the grazing or the drinking, but damn if imma let them spoil my fun and my play anymore.

Posted via LjBeetle

current mood: exasperated

(5 comments | comment on this)

Monday, June 13th, 2011
3:16 pm - ACA Promises 5 and 6

acacosponsor 		From the ACA Promises: 
5. As we face our abandonment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses.
6. We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure.

The fifth and sixth ACA Promises are about reaping the benefits of being committed to taking care of ourselves on all levels. Find the seed questions to help you think about these two promises in my LJ.

All seed questions are here. 

(comment on this)

Saturday, June 11th, 2011
10:25 am - Guess What Normal Is

apel 		One of the characteristics of people who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional families is that we guess at what's normal. Amy Eden calls her blog Guess What Normal Is. She's one of us and writes about her progress in recovery.

I loved this epic rant about an invalidating cliche that we've probably all heard: "Your parents did the best they could." This is Amy asking the questions nobody wants to answer:
"How less-than-terrible does my childhood have to be in order for me to willingly agree that my parents did the best they could?  Little-to-no physical abuse?  Infrequent verbal manipulation?  That they belittled me, but paid for my school photos?"

The other day she posted a helpful article about how to end a conversation or get people to leave. Amy's experience is typical for people who had to concentrate on just surviving their childhood. I can so relate to this:
"I didn't have any experience prioritizing my own needs, wants, and desires. I was Good.  And Good meant not having desires.  I had no experience in voicing my wants. Like, to a shocking degree. That was, in a nutshell, basic survivor living."

(comment on this)

Friday, June 10th, 2011
3:32 pm - Study of children of alcoholic parents

acacosponsor 		If you are interested in participating, see more information in my LJ. 

(comment on this)

Sunday, June 5th, 2011
6:52 pm

labelleizzy 		A link for you all as I was surfing youtube. I started by checking on Dr. Jan's video clips, wound up here, and crying.

http://youtu.be/XfUkYXHiB88

It's a Video on the seven characteristics of children of alcoholics.

(sorry for not embedding or taking greater care with linking the video. I'm upset & processing some more stuff, which is why I was on youtube in the first place. I don't have too many spoons tonight.)

Let me know if you find anything else worth sharing, if you go link-clicking as I have done.

current mood: sad

(1 comment | comment on this)

Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
11:15 pm

ransel 		I realize that this post is not about my alcoholic mother, but it still contains some family issues that I struggle with. And I feel that the feedback from this forum has helped me on previous occasions, so here goes anyway...

So today I got a mail on fb from my uncle. Basically it says that I am welcome to a family reunion.

This is the same uncle that denied me and my brother to attend his wedding last year. He invited the rest of our family though. And now, suddenly we are welcome. I guess he just got a bad conscience... But he froze me out from the entire family on the biggest day of his life, and a great day for all of us.

SO NOW I'M INVITED. And I will have to face questions of why I didn't show in the wedding (there is no way he admitted to others that he told me to stay away). I've seen all the pretty pics from the ceremony and party after. And I've seen my loved ones on them. I want to go, but I don't want to face those who I know don't want me there. And all of those who missed me at former of these gatherings, not knowing that I didn't know of half of them until later (when i saw the pictures). I have tried to talk to some of them, but they either don't believe me, or they tell me that they won't help me (God forbid if anyone argued, but if we do, then find the one(s) responsible and shun them). Needless to say, the are big fans of scapegoats.

Should I just take this crap? Should I go?

(2 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011
4:07 pm - ACA Promises 3 and 4

acacosponsor 		3. Fear of authority figures and the need to "people-please" will leave us.
4. Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us.

I posted seed questions to stimulate thoughts on how these promises are becoming true for us as we work our program. Also included a book recommendation about fear, and an iPhone app that can help lower the level of background fear if used regularly.

(comment on this)

Wednesday, May 4th, 2011
1:48 pm - Spouse of an ACOA, don't know what to do

athenagrace 		I've been married to my husband (nicknamed S for this post) for 6 years now (we've been together for 7 total). His father was an alcoholic when he was growing up but is sober now. I can't imagine what it must have been like growing up that way. S has many of the character traits associated with being an ACOA, such as trust issues, being very defensive, feeling victimized, anger, etc. I know that these are not "character flaws", and I don't blame him or judge him.

 He's been to a few counselors. Of the two he's seen while we've been married, the first one he disliked immediately. The second one he said he liked and was learning things from, but then there was a billing error and he decided that the counselor was trying to cheat him, so all the positive lessons went down the drain. Same thing with psychiatrists -- they're just out to get him.

I love him dearly, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to be understanding, but I also am tired of walking on eggshells. We had (another) argument last night about the same thing we always argue about -- whether or not I clean the house enough. I won't bore anyone with a run down of our view points, but I ended up laying it on the line and telling him (calmly, I don't yell) that if doesn't think he can ever change and he'll never be able to accept who I am, he needs to divorce me because he needs to be with someone who makes him happy enough that he's willing to make some sacrifices for her. I don't tend to give ultimatums because he hates them and normally I work with his preferences.

I know that I cannot make or guilt him into seeing another counselor. You can't make anyone change. Is there anything anyone can suggest that I say or any feedback on this? Any insight anyone is willing to share is greatly appreciated. He's a great guy and I love him to death, but I love me too.

(19 comments | comment on this)

Saturday, April 30th, 2011
10:47 am - ACA Promises 1 and 2

acacosponsor 		I wrote seed questions to help adult children to think about the first two ACA promises.

ACA Promises
1. We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves.
2. Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis.
3-12 are on the ACA web site

Included in the post are also some ideas on how to make them come true.

(comment on this)

Friday, April 22nd, 2011
9:55 am - Boundaries: Yelling is not OK

apel 		The other day I had to tell a newbie that the boundary "It's not OK to yell at me" is perfectly sensible. There's no need to explain or justify it. It's just not OK to yell or shout at me. It's unpleasant and I don't like it. That's all the justification that I need.

It's also fine to take a dim view of people who make excuses for their own or others' yelling eg "I was drunk", "My dog just died last week", "He's had a hard day at the office", "She only yells at me when I don't agree with her" etc. Enabling or rationalizing yelling is a red flag.

Some people who think it's OK to yell at others are also violent. Yelling at somebody is a boundary violation. A person who is fine with one minor boundary violation may very well also be fine with other boundary violations, including lying, cheating, physical or sexual assault etc. 

This Dilbert strip is relevant. So is this book: The Gift of Fear.

The only time that yelling is OK with me is in an emergency or in self-defense. "There's a fire, open the emergency exits!" or "Don't hit the pedestrian!" are things that can very well be yelled. Similarly "Don't touch me!", "You have no right to my money. Give it back!" or "You're drunk! I'm calling 911." But the yelling has to stop there. If just yelling doesn't produce a solution, it's time to come up with something else that works. Oftentimes the solution is that I remove myself from the situation and then talk to safe and supportive others about it. If I often find myself in situations like this, it's time to take a long hard look at the company I keep.

(comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com