skier214 (skier214) wrote in acoa,
skier214
skier214
acoa

new to this group - yup adult daughter of alcoholic

Originally posted by skier214 at new to this group - yup adult daughter of alcoholic
Hi there

I'm 50 years old and an adult daughter of an alcoholic. Thank you to my therapist, I finally understand why I've always thought I was different. I'm angry, sad, resentful and disgusted. I've been married and divorced twice and chose not to have children because I didn't feel I had the appropriate parental role models to be a good parent. Do I feel I've missed out on parenthood? Somedays yes especially now that I realize what I've been through.

I still want the approval of my parents.....so much that after my 2nd divorce I moved from my "home" in California to North Carolina to live closer to my parents. After much exploration, actually "I needed my Mom and Dad" (yup i see now that was the little girl inside hurting) during this time and somehow through distorted thinking convinced myself to relocate to North Carolina.

I moved to North Carolina 4/2010. initially things were going well....what i didn't know was my brother (who also lives in Charlotte) is now perpetuating the cycle of raging alcoholism and domestic violence....my Dad who had early stage dementia when i arrived had stopped drinking a few years ago and turned into a calm, somewhat nurturing Dad ....thank you Dementia!!! My Mom being the codependent is comfortable with my brother's behavior as that has always been her "normal".

Due to my brother's violent rages and my sister in laws passive aggressive behavior, I decided i'm unable to have my brother and sister in law in my life. Their behavior brings back too many bad childhood memories of my raging alcoholic father and my passive aggressive, emotionally unavailable Mom. Its the same dysfunction just different faces. The short story that motivated my decision was a demeaning comment my sister in law said to me in front of my brother, Dad and Mom.....which was one of many demeaning comments since my arrival 6 months earlier. When I told my sister in law that her comment hurt my feelings...she blew me off and nobody stood up for me to support me. It was this moment that I realized this is just a repeat of my childhood. My parents never stood up for me, supported me or protected me.

After my first divorce at age 27, I had the courage to seek therapy. As you know, in this type of messed up family we never talked about the crap......and only crazy people went to therapy...and what would people think if anybody knew we went to therapy....we are the perfect family !!!!!!!

I've been in and out of therapy for years and am proud of myself for having the courage to get help. I've learned healthy behaviors although continued to choose the wrong men for me over the years which led me to my 2nd divorce. As I didn't visit my family often while I lived in California, I didn't realize the extent of raging alcoholism with my brother until I moved to Charlotte. When someone gets healthy....the remaining unhealthy folks (my parents, sister in law and nephews) don't know how to relate to you....I have developed healthy boundaries which are not allowed in a raging alcoholic family.....

I'm rambling here...but I'm pissed off still after 3 years....I left my real family and life behind in California.....to live near my biological family as that inner child so needed her Mom....what a joke.....i'm pissed that I thought things would be different since my Dad had stopped drinking....I see now the sick desire to be accepted by my family was really driving my decision to move to Charlotte North Carolina. My heart is broke again......shattered actually that I've again been cast out like an unwanted piece of trash......a repeat of my childhood. I'm unable to financially move back to California and that has emotionally destroyed me....

I've learned recently that my crazy sister in law has been trashing me at the nail salon I go to...i didn't know she recently started going there and thankful I haven't seen her there....however after 3 years you continue to feel it is necessary to trash me to others in the community? the nail salon owners asked me if "x" was my sister in law...my response "yes" ....the nail salon owner went on to tell me what was said about me....not sure if i really needed to know that but i do now and it destroyed me for a few days....not that she doesn't like me ....the feeling is mutual but why be so juvenile....she is 51 years old.....I work for a large company here in Human Resources - the thought of her trashing me to others that may know me professionally really pisses me off.......i know they will consider the source but still.....i defriended you on facebook immediately after I decided not to have her in my life....didnt defriend her fast enough though as she had posted some nasty stuff about me.....all untrue but of course still destroyed me that someone could be that mean spirited...

It has been a rough journey for me however am emotionally unable to have such behavior in my life. I became a Christian 15+ years ago. According to my messed up brother "until you give up your religious psychobabble and obey me only" you don't fit in our family. Yeah....messed up....I dont' evangelize although the first thing I did when I arrived in Charlotte was to find a church home. Being independent (a survivor skill), I became involved in church, volunteered for non profits and built a life. This was met with angry outbursts from my brother and sister in law that "who do you think you are....we have lived here for over 30 years and you know more people than we do and you just moved here".....yeah.......I have learned to be self reliant as a child and get out and make a life for yourself.....vs being a victim.....this pissed off my family because "i didn't need them" although they all were very clear with me NOT to expect any help from them as "they have a life and are busy"....no problem i thought....wasn't expecting help....I'm resourceful and able to handle most stuff myself.

So.....this is my story.........
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