a corgi-dorable girl (athenagrace) wrote in acoa,
a corgi-dorable girl

Spouse of an ACOA, don't know what to do

I've been married to my husband (nicknamed S for this post) for 6 years now (we've been together for 7 total). His father was an alcoholic when he was growing up but is sober now. I can't imagine what it must have been like growing up that way. S has many of the character traits associated with being an ACOA, such as trust issues, being very defensive, feeling victimized, anger, etc. I know that these are not "character flaws", and I don't blame him or judge him.

 He's been to a few counselors. Of the two he's seen while we've been married, the first one he disliked immediately. The second one he said he liked and was learning things from, but then there was a billing error and he decided that the counselor was trying to cheat him, so all the positive lessons went down the drain. Same thing with psychiatrists -- they're just out to get him.

I love him dearly, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want to be understanding, but I also am tired of walking on eggshells. We had (another) argument last night about the same thing we always argue about -- whether or not I clean the house enough. I won't bore anyone with a run down of our view points, but I ended up laying it on the line and telling him (calmly, I don't yell) that if doesn't think he can ever change and he'll never be able to accept who I am, he needs to divorce me because he needs to be with someone who makes him happy enough that he's willing to make some sacrifices for her. I don't tend to give ultimatums because he hates them and normally I work with his preferences.

I know that I cannot make or guilt him into seeing another counselor. You can't make anyone change. Is there anything anyone can suggest that I say or any feedback on this? Any insight anyone is willing to share is greatly appreciated. He's a great guy and I love him to death, but I love me too.
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